Jacify My Statement.

Went to lena's to meet her mum. Her mum is good with her skills, skills that can read a person in depth. I finally met her and she poured out my history and it made me upset. Upset coz is true.

Family: My parents love me though I always feel they do not. Due to their ability constraint, they can't offer what I would expect and it tore our relationship. Talks like "maybe you should reincarnate into a more wealthy family in your next life" or " I can't afford to let you study university, poly education is what I am going to provide and whatever next in your own business".

Things that make me wonder their love for me when I was much younger. I thought they were selfish but never the fact that they were not able to provide whatever families are providing.

This resolution amplified how selfish I was to think the world revolved around me. Me alone. They did whatever they could and whatever they were able to, to provide me with education and somewhat cushy life. Yet, I am so ungrateful.

I wasn't the most bright student when I was much younger. My mum had to send me to tuition, swimming classes, abacus classes and what's not, thinking such activities will flex my brain muscles to their maximum capacity. Every month, mum has to pay a truckload of fees to sustain my weekly 'exercise' just so I can be 'normal'. I disappointed her time and time again by being rebellious, being stupid. She even has to take up a second job cleaning up people's houses to keep up with the growing monetary needs. How ungrateful am I?

I teared. I know they love me. I really do but I am never contented. I always wanted more. More this more that, more luxury items, more holidays.

Looking at myself now, I still wonder what will my life be if I do not have to work and study. Will my life be much more cushy? Will my results be more outstanding? It did crossed my mind that they are suffering in sg while I am 'enjoying' life here in aussie and I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. Something to ratify the situation but my flesh is weak. I NEVER ASK FOR MONEY except for uni fees. In my heart, I know the fees is rocket high and I only asked what remaining that I can't managed to save for. Yet, I always wonder.

I talked to my dad last week. I almost cried. I knew what he wants to hear and I told him, " i will send money home once I get a job." Words so sweet but sometimes reality is not.

If only, reality mirrored words.